


Empty Places

by alexanndrian



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Character Study, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 13:17:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2469620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanndrian/pseuds/alexanndrian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>it would be so easy to get lost in her. she is more than anyone can want or deserve.</i> james discovers what, and who, makes his commander tic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty Places

**i.**

It’s the satisfying breath she takes, the slight roll of her shoulders, not more than a light movement that he only sees because he’s watching her. James finds himself doing quite a bit of that lately. Watching her. 

There’s a hint of propitiation on her face when the blue shimmers away from her skin. James wonders what it would be like to possess that kind of raw power. Shepard can walk without a weapon if she so pleased, always combat ready. It intrigued his senses and terrified him shitless all the same.  

But the true conundrum isn’t Shepard’s biotics, it’s _Shepard_. The Shepard he witnesses in battle is completely separate from the Shepard he met in Vancouver and definitely not the same Shepard he sees stalking wordlessly across the ship. He notices Shepard never raises her voice above a whisper, stares at you with sidelong glances behind a fan of thick khol lashes. Confidence isn’t lacking though, one look at Shepard cross armed over her command post can tell you that. 

He didn’t know what it was about her, but there was _something_.

“Negative contacts, Commander.” Alenko’s voice cuts through his thoughts. 

Shepard nods firmly, “We should get back to the ship. Who knows what else is out here. I’m not going to chance it until we have more intel.” 

Her attractiveness is undeniable. James admits, during her time in captivity he familiarized himself with the curve of her body, barely hidden underneath standard issue BDUs. Feeling extremely guilty and a bit disgusting for doing so. This was Commander Shepard, not just some woman he wanted to fuck when he came into port. 

_But, you would have, wouldn’t you? Pinned her writhing body underneath your hands. You would fuck her w—_

He stops that line of thought before it can even take shape. 

He pretended. Pretended not to notice how her neck is long and swan like especially when she arches her head back, sliding fingers along her collarbone trying to ease out her tension. Definitely didn’t see that the round curve of her hips was a perfect fit for his hands to run down, fingers sliding over an ample backside. How much softer she looked with her curls long, thick and lush or how they would slip out of her bun, over flushed cheeks after an intense sparring session.

She was just the right mix of tempting, vulnerable and mysterious to set anyone on fire.

Almost as if she heard his thoughts, Shepard turns her head and stares at James, who after a small beat stops in his tracks, shoulders locked in place by her gaze. He was looking after her slack jawed, which probably looked extremely awkward. 

“Vega, are you alright?” She quirks a mocking eyebrow. Alenko stops behind her wearing that same damnable expression. 

_Shit. What the hell is wrong with me?_

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“Get your head in the game, LT.” The witty remark is on the tip of her tongue, he can tell. She pauses briefly and drops her head with a shake, giving him a smirk. 

“I take offense to that.” Alenko steps up next to her without any real heat in his voice. Shepard twists her body closer to his. Her movements are so slight and unconscious that he wouldn’t have seen if he wasn’t staring at her _again._

Shepard just gives him a glance and claps a hand to his shoulder. “Don’t worry Alenko. You’ll _always_ be my favorite lieutenant.” She stares at him with warmth in her gaze, taking his offered hand to help her hop out of the shuttle.  

James observes Alenko walking up the ramp to the shuttle bay as Shepard jogs ahead of them with Vakarian there to receive her, giving her the turian equivalent of a pout because she left him alone to help Liara organize supplies. Alenko’s arms are tucked into a parade rest, the tightness in his shoulders says he’s holding himself back from something. It sparks a light in James’ head. 

Alenko’s glances up at Shepard while kneeling over the mineral sample he preoccupied himself with scanning. Shepard’s hands raised with gun at the ready, while Alenko moves forward just enough to place his body before hers, ready in the event their exchange with the contact goes south. Irritation furrowing his brow when she refused his medical attention in favor of pushing forward. The silence around them an unspoken language.

If there’s anything who could tell him about Shepard’s _something_ , it would be Alenko. Although, he might have to bring the cerveza with him. 

 

**ii.**

“So, Shepard?” James allows his voice to trail off, hoping Alenko can pick up a hint. 

“What about Shepard?” Alenko blinks in his direction, mouthing a beer bottle. James doesn’t miss the hint of a smirk on his lips.

He fights the urge not to groan. _Dammit_. Alenko is not going to make this easy on him. Why should he? James runs his hands up and down his legs, it’s fairly awkward. How do you approach the question of: _“Good job on the mission today. Oh by the way, are you fucking our commanding officer?”_ It doesn’t roll off the tongue quite well.  

“You know…”

Alenko leans back, shifting his muscles as he sinks into the couch, crossing his legs and placing his beer onto the table beside him. “No I don’t know actually.” 

“I mean you and Shepard seem pretty close. I was wondering if…” He pauses lamely.

“If what? Me and Shepard?” Alenko’s eyebrows raise comically, almost to the top of his forehead, he suppresses the laugh on the tip of his tongue. 

James thinks that might be for his sake. He tips his head to the streamlined groves in the floor to hide his mortification.    

“No, no. It’s nothing like that if you were wondering.” Alenko closes his eyes and rests his head on the rim of the couch. He looks lost, melancholy is the word, like he’s remembering something he missed. His head rises as quickly as it fell and the moment as well as the emotion on his face is gone. “Shepard and I are just very good friends. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious. She doesn’t talk much and even when she was under arrest we didn’t do more than spar.” James says.

Alenko nods primly, “You want to know the woman behind the mask, huh? That might prove a challenge, Shepard is very skilled at defecting and compartmentalization. Not healthy,” he notes.

“Has she always been like that?” 

“As long as I’ve known her, yes. Why all the questions all of a sudden?” 

James worries over a crease in his fatigues. He felt like he was back in basic, scared that his CO would reprimand him for dirty sheets. “I was just w-.”

“Wondering. Right.” Alenko finishes and his face lights up. James doesn’t think that’s good for him. He was shelling out hard won credits the last time Alenko wore that face. “If I didn’t know any better I would think you had a little crush.”

James sputters up, glad he can’t choke on the beer he’s suddenly very pleased he’s not drinking. “I didn’t say that.”  

Alenko picks up on the red spreading over his face, “I don’t think I’ve ever known you to be shy, lieutenant.” 

“I mean, she’s pretty, sure. But she’s my CO. I couldn’t.” James hopes he can convince more than Alenko. 

Alenko shrugs, “You’d be surprised at the things you’ll do when you’re running out of time.” Alenko slaps a hand against his back, pushing James forward with the motion. James makes a show of rubbing his shoulder, reminding himself to never underestimate Alenko’s size in a fight. “Don’t worry, Vega. You’re secret’s safe with me.”

There goes that damn smirk again. James thinks he lost more than creds this time. 

 

**iii.**

James raises his arms above his head, enjoying the stretch of his yawn. Looking down at the still unfinished duty roster, trying to rub bleary eyes away. He sighs and slumps down behind a crate. Tries to remember the responsibility of command is prestigious, but can only remind himself it’s extremely tedious. Worrying if Sanchez can get along well enough with Green for them to do recon together. Or if he can trust Rai and Johnson to actually get work done in a timely manner, not catch up on scuttlebutt for 5 hours. 

James eases himself down behind the crate, placing the datapad against his chest. It wasn’t due until the end of the night cycle. Maybe he could take a small nap and finish it later. Yeah. It’ll make him more focused in the long run. He groans knowing if he goes to sleep he’s not waking up anytime soon. If only he had taken Cortez’s advice and started this sooner. 

“Shepard, slow down. Shepard!” 

James’s ears perk up at Alenko’s voice. He peeks over the crate to see Shepard storming past with clicking heels, until they spin when Alenko roughly pulls her back by the arm.

“You’re going to drive yourself crazy. You need to take the edge off.” Alenko softens his gaze and Shepard snatches her hand away, running fingers up the back of her bun to keep errant hairs in place.

To say she looks upset would be stating the obvious. Alenko is correct in his assessment, she has been particularly cantankerous as of late. Barking orders while storming through the mess, glaring at anyone slouching at their post. She had even put Joker in a bad mood when she told him she had no time for his idiotic jokes. Her behavior was putting a damper on crew morale. 

It seems Alenko was the poor soul sacrificed to calm her temper.  

“Maybe if I didn’t have to breathe down people’s necks in order for them to do their jobs, I would be a little calmer. I shouldn’t have to police everyone.” Shepard spits out. She’s trying to reign in her frustration, for what seems like Alenko’s benefit, . 

Alenko places his hands behind his back, “Shepard.”  He steps closer to her but Shepard pulls back again, throwing her hands up.

“I can’t think. I can’t control anything anymore. I can barely even breathe with all of this weighing down on me.” Shepard looks down at shaky fingers, then pulls her hands into her chest, “I’m only one person and sometimes I think people forget that. I think I forget that.” Her voice cracks. 

Alenko rests his hands on her shoulders and James doesn’t think he’s ever seen Shepard look so small. A woman as strong and powerful as Shepard should never be described as small. And despite that there she is bowing her head under Alenko’s heated gaze, skirting her face away when he tries to rest his forehead against hers. 

Alenko backs Shepard up into a bulkhead, clicking heels echoing as she lets him corner her, skimming his fingers down her arm as she shivers. 

“What are you doing?” Shepard doesn’t raise her voice above a whisper. She tries to glower which is no use as her weighted breath betrays her.

Alenko lays his cheek against hers, fingers finding their place along the round curve of her hips before catching the edge of her skirt, forging the fabric up smooth thighs, “Shh. I’m taking the edge off,” he whispers, then her skirt is bunched at the waist and her bottom is on display.

_Sweet god her ass is divine._ It’s round and plump and it would feel so soft in his hands. An ass like that was created for worship. Something he and Alenko agreed upon, considering the way he starts grabbing at it with both hands, a hunger and a lust burning in his eyes.

It finally occurs to James that this is a private moment and he should go. He should go because that’s what decent sane people do in these types of situations. But. The flush on her cheeks as Alenko trails his lips down her jaw and the way she tentatively opens her legs allowing him to slide a palm against the fabric of her panties is mesmerizing. The moment Alenko’s lips latch on to her throat and she lets out this soft sigh of a moan, he knows he can’t look away. 

James squeezes one eye shut, trying not to let his leg jostle any of the surrounding crates as he lowers himself into a more comfortable position. The cycled air, normally dry is suffocating he’s holding himself so tense. 

Shepard drags shaky tentative fingers along his torso, biting her lip, bunching up pressed fabric, lifting his shirt up out his pants. Alenko groans from low in his chest, drawing his hands down from the back of her head, taking his time, fingers creating a path along her spine, using his body to keep her planted against the wall. 

“That’s it,” Alenko whispers with a faint smile, undoing the top buttons of her jacket, one by one by one, until James can see her black lace bra when Alenko shoves her shirt up to her underarms. It’s rough the way he forces out her breasts, filling both hands with dusty brown flesh. It only takes the slight flick of a dark pebbled nipple for her to pant out a small cry. 

Alenko’s affirmation of “good girl” only encourages her to moan out louder. 

James places his hands on pants tented with the evidence of his arousal. _No._ Watching is one thing, but this is completely fucking insane. 

Shepard moans again, head thrown back. She is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his life. 

He wanted her. He could deny it before. Convince himself she was just pretty in passing. Now, he’s seen her, all of her and he wanted her. Her curves seem soft and for all of his bravado before, Alenko has become lost in her. His eyes glaze over with lust, hands touching everywhere he can reach. Alenko is in control, sure, but he doesn’t have real power in this situation. Shepard is mesmerizing and he has to have her. 

The shame tastes bitter, it shuts his eyes when his hands are in his underwear already wet with precum. James bites his lips to keep himself from making a noise, forced to stick a fist into his mouth as he takes himself in hand, light feather strokes to start.

He can’t let himself think of how wrong the situation is. Him touching himself while the sight of his two commanding officers fucking turns him on. 

Suddenly it’s just skin. Pants falling to ankles, Shepard’s heels falls with a clatter revealing her arching feet, thoroughly enjoying whatever Alenko’s fingers are doing between her legs. 

Then Alenko slides into Shepard, good and slow, watching her face for reaction. Her wet gasp gets caught in her throat, fingers scramble for a grip on his shoulders. There’s no rhythm or art to they way they fuck each other, at least not one that James can understand. Just a desperate need to touch every part of each other. 

James rubs himself faster, hands moist with his own wetness, forcing himself to stay quiet, frightened by the very real danger that he might be caught. 

She would be wondrous against him. How did she feel? Was she tight and wet? What would she whisper into his ear while running fingers through his hair. He chokes back his moan, he’s close, fueled on by thoughts of burying himself deep into her body until she shivers underneath him.

One leg is wrapped around Alenko’s waist forcing her to teeter the other on her toes. Arms stretched above her head, their hands clasped together, holding tightly as he fucks her against the wall. Alenko whispers something to her James doesn’t catch, but it opens up Shepard’s throat and causes pleading cries to unfurl themselves. 

A blue shimmer forming along her body tell James she’s close and if that doesn’t tip him off her escalating whimpers do. Alenko tries to shush her, kissing every part of a face flushed with red tinged desire. He’s fucking her desperately now, thrusts sloppy and messy, no longer possessing the restraint to hold himself back. 

Shepard won’t be silenced, her fingers straighten, head falling back farther, shaking wildly from side to side. Gasps start slowly, then come faster, come louder in time with Alenko’s snapping hips against her thighs. He’s close too, he pushes and pushes, choking out the cry of his release into the column of her neck, body rolling as he bottoms out inside of her. 

Shepard is brilliant, a striking supernova James can’t look away from. A string of “Yes, yes. Oh fuck,” runs along her lips. Her eyes go wide, so does her mouth, James readies himself for the scream, but it never comes. Well, it does, only muffled against Alenko’s mouth when he swallows it down as he kisses her, grabbing her chin to hold her in place. She kisses back with fervor, losing herself in postcoital bliss. It’s a real, honest kiss. It looks natural. Looks...perfect. 

Shepard catches herself, pushing him away with the palms she rips away from his hands. Something shut off between them, like a bulb. For a minute she was there and she was light next to him and in an instant she becomes dark. Again. 

Alenko runs a hand through his hair, pulling his pants back above the knees, taking care to find one perfect belt loop. Shepard in contrast is pulling herself together as fast as she can. Steps back into her panties, hastily smoothing out her skirt, putting away all those errant hairs, kiss abused lips plump and red. Meticulous, practiced Shepard utterly disheveled. It looks good on her. 

Shepard doesn’t agree.       

“You know I don’t like that.” Shepard shrugs her jacket back over her shoulders.

“What? Me kissing you?” 

“We’re not together,” Shepard says.

“Why do you constantly feel the need to remind me of that everytime we’re together? I’m well aware,” Alenko snaps.

“Good.” Shepard pats his chest wearing a sardonic smile to match. 

The space becomes eerily quiet after that, the only sounds are Shepard putting herself back together and Alenko’s shallow breathing, subconsciously mirroring each other in complete silence. James is uneasy, one would think it’s because he had just come from spying on two other people having sex. That isn’t it though. Something is off. 

Alenko open and closes his mouth behind Shepard’s back, he has something to say. He’s trying to hold himself together but it falls out anyway. “What the hell are we doing here?” 

Shepard shakes her head turned away from him, one finger stuck into her shoes trying to pull the back over her heel, “Kaidan, please. Not know. I have more things to think about.” 

“No, I think we should talk about this.” Kaidan walks closer to her. 

She spins around. “This is literally the _worst_ time,” she yells, pushing up her hair again. She’s unraveling.

“So it’s alright for us to have sex but not for us to talk to each other.” He’s angry. James can hear quiet fury in his voice. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Alenko raise his voice at anyone, much less Shepard. He’s learned with Alenko it’s the calm moments people should be afraid of. 

“I am doing this to protect you. Why can’t you see that? I don’t think I’m going to get lucky this time.” She hugs herself like she’s gone cold.

“To protect me from what? Your suicidal tendencies?”   

Shepard closes up, looks at the ground. James wishes he knew what she was thinking. _What goes through that pretty head of yours?_

“I don’t know why you expect me to stick around while you try and turn yourself into a martyr.” Alenko pushes past her, shoving her with his shoulder just to make a point. 

Shepard opens her mouth to call out to him but the elevator doors shut before she gets the chance to. She screams out, cradling hands around her head, “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m so stupid.” Punishing herself for the good part of an hour, which seems to drag on for ages.

The elevator doors open and close. James stares up at the ceiling using a forearm to shield his eyes from the fluorescent lights. Ignores the blooming wetness in his pants to focus on how wrong they felt, usually so in sync . A star out of alignment. Curiousity peaked, he wanted to know more.   

 

**iv.**

"The problem isn't whether we have the manpower." Shepard points to a fixed point on her war map, marked with a gold cross. "The problem is where we are going to send them. Contrary to what people may believe, I'm not heartless. I don't want to send them to their deaths." She looks out at her crew, eyes jumping from one to another, eyebrows raised waiting for an answer

He opened his eyes at 0600 this morning, staring at his clock in amazment. James isn’t an even number sort of guy. 0645. 0657. 0710. Despite that his eyes opened, that should have clued him in. Today wasn’t just any day. 

At 0730,  EDI spoke to him over the comm, interrupting his momentum - burning lungs and aching abs a welcome comfort, a normalcy he can’t find anywhere else on this ship. Ready himself for the sitrep Shepard gives to her high level officers every morning.  

It’s an honor, sitting across some of the greatest tactitans in the galaxy. But James fidgets in his seat, trying to get the images from his hot morning shower far from his mind. 

_An imaginary Shepard falling to her knees before him, nails dragging along his chest on the way down. Her eyes lock together with his own, biting her lip as she observes his cock. A meal to be eaten. She moans low in her chest to show her appreciation. A tightness forms in his gut that burns and burns as she continues to tease him._

_Leaving feather light kisses on his torso, on his thigh, his hip. Every inch of him but the one he wants her to touch._

"No one has any ideas." Shepard blinks slowly, unimpressed by her crew who can clearly benefit from a round of coffee. Except Sparks, she’s always wired. 

Everyone in the room looks at each other willing someone to answer her question, not brave enough to sacrifice themselves to her wrath lest they answer incorrectly. Vakarian raises his hand, mandibles twitching anxiously. 

"Garrus, I swear if you are about to make a fucking joke right now, don't bother." Vakarian looks side to side before slowly dropping his hand back down. 

Shepard places a hand to her forehead. It’s been a week since he watched her and Alenko in the shuttle bay and ever since then he could do nothing but think about what she would feel like under his hands, what she would taste like if he stuck his nose past her folds. What did he expect really? That night he realized she was his every fantasy come to life, a forbidden fruit to the highest degree. This obsession is starting to get out of hand.

He looks over at Alenko who is sitting upright with a leg cast elegantly over the other, finger against his chin. A calming presence in a room rife with tension.  

_Her hair is wet, strands float through his fingers easily when he places his hand to the back of her head, trying to edge her on. She chuckles but doesn't pull away. Then her lips engulf him and the warm wetness of her mouth forces a cry out of him. He quells the urge to fuck into her mouth slapping a hand on the wall in front of him to keep his balance. She’s talented, that’s for sure. She swallows him down with practiced ease, tongue sliding along his length. The "oh fuck" that falls out of his lips when she touches the base of his cock with her lips is desperate._

"Vega, you seem very disinterested with this discussion. You must have a better grasp of the situation. What do you suggest we do?" 

James doesn't realise she's talking to him until he gets a small push from Tali. _Oh fuck._   

"Me?" He coughs out.

Shepard crosses her arms, she's not amused. "You don't need to be here. In fact you're only here as a favor to someone else.” She descends on him, he wants to shrink into the chair, wills it to swallow him whole. “So if you want to ever be something on this ship you better fucking pay attention.” 

Vakarian snickers behind his talon. James can't blame him the situation is pretty fucking hilarious. Green FNG getting bitched out by the CO is always funny. Or it would be if he wasn't the one getting reprimanded in front of the entire administrative staff. 

"Garrus, is this funny to you?" Shepard doesn't take her eyes off of James. She eyes him with disinterest. Shepard can be terrifying when she needs to be, it makes her even hotter. Garrus coughs into a talon in answer. 

"We can send in a small recon team." Alenko's voice cuts through the silence, rescuing him. "They can gather information for us. It lets us know how many soldiers we need and they can slip in and out undetected.” 

Shepard cocks her head to the side, contemplating. She turns her body towards Alenko, but not her face. She smiles a smile devoid of humor at James. "Thank you, Alenko. At least someone is not asleep this morning." 

Alenko knows exactly what Shepard wants to hear, wants to feel, wants to see. She wants to see him be as easy as he always is, as smart, as nonplussed. Alenko is tuned into Shepard, running on the same wavelength or at least one that’s only slightly under hers. It’s fascinating. 

She leans in close and for a moment it looks as if she might slap him. “Wake the fuck up.” That last bit is whispered just for him.

 

**v.**

It was on his way back from fucking with Joker in the cockpit - _'Oh, learn to take a joke.’ ‘Yeah, I can when they're funny.’_ \- when he sees her. 

James notices the back of her head first, perfectly round, swaying side to side in a lazy rhythm he could faintly hear falling from her lips. The off key melody to a song he doesn’t know. Then he sees the long elegant bottle of cherrywine, dark liquid sloshing against the rim of a wine glass, better than he would ever see in this lifetime or the next.

Shepard descended from money. Not something that was required knowledge, though easy enough the decipher. She never looks at her feet, holds her shoulders up and straight, walks with grace. So much so that you could place a tower of books on her head and they would never fall. The prodigal child. Shepard, a name that demanded greatness. She follows an admiral, a captain, a prime minister. Big shoes to fill, so much so she had to save the entire galaxy to keep from drowning in their shadow.  

There is Shepard in the mess, drinking wine and she's drunk. Really drunk. Rolling her head around, long raven hair resting on her shoulders, her tumbling curls creating a wild nest around her face.

"Shepard?" He should leave. How does he constantly find himself in these situations?  

You should walk away when you see your commander getting fucked. You should walk away when you see her about to fall over drunk. 

_“The war does crazy things to people.”_ Alenko's voice comes back to him. 

Shepard's cheek hugs the table, eyes drooped low, a small hiccup shakes her body. She barely looks conscious. James trips over his feet, over nothing. And maybe he does it on purpose, so she could see him, acknowledge him. 

"Vega." Eyes like a viridian forest are wide and they're round too, innocent surprise causing them to shine up at him. 

That's how he would describe the way Shepard looks. Round and perfect. James gives a pathetic half wave. He is going to leave now, he just wanted to make sure she wasn't dead first. _There she’s alive, now walk to the elevator. Walk away._

Fun fact: You can drown in your own vomit if drunk enough. Yup, he has seen it. Almost. They stuck a tube in his dad's throat to get all the poison out of his body. Drank himself out cold. Dad wasn’t a wino like Shepard. No, he liked the hard stuff. Very partial to cheap brandy. 

James, because he wasn’t ‘No Luck Jimmy’ for nothing, was required to check him out of the hospital. He'd sat in the skycar for exactly ten minutes contemplating if he should just leave him there. Life would be much easier if he didn’t have to worry about pap burning the house down or taking a sand tripping piss on Mrs. Cordelia's rose patch. Before deciding that wasn't the type of man he was or wanted to be. 

An end like that isn't befitting for Shepard. No, a woman like that will go down in a blaze of glory. Maybe that’s what she’s so afraid of. 

_'I'm not going to sit around while you try to turn yourself into a martyr.’_ There goes that voice again. 

Shepard pats the space next to her, scooting to make room. "Sit." 

"I don't think that's such a-" 

"Sit." 

It's an order. So he sits. Holds himself awkwardly, trying not to touch her, folding hands into his lap. He feels like he’s in grade school. She's close, close enough for him to know she smells like expensive wine and lavender. He doesn't pick up the scent of eezo on her, but it's so muddled into the air of the ship he excuses it. 

Bright lights overhead casts a medicinal glow over her, face thrown into shadow. She slowly leans closer to him as if to tell him a secret. Curling her finger. Come closer, come closer. 

"I wanted to apologize." 

James, in the few seconds it takes her to open up her mouth and speak, has gone over and over what she might say in his head. That wasn't on the list. Unpredictability serves her well in the battlefield, but it makes it maddening to communicate with. No way to know what she’s thinking until she lets you. It was one of the things he found so amazing about her. No one could anticipate her movements. Well, almost no one. 

"Sorry?" He turns his head towards her. She’s leaning forward, hands placed in front of her, splayed out on the chair. He pretends not to notice how full breasts hang beneath her, tries to forget what they look like. 

"You're an amazing soldier, Vega. We're lucky to have you." She stops and pouts, childlike, searching for words that she doesn't know how to articulate correctly. It was...cute. 

"I have a tendency to be a bit, well, abrasive." She blinks and waits for his answer. 

_Oh, no._ He's supposed to say. _You're not like that._ But he doesn't like lying so his mouth stays shut. 

Shepard seems to appreciate the honesty. Pulls back and reaches out for another gulp from her glass. It’s an effort, her hands shake so hard most of the liquid falls onto the table. There's a metaphor hidden somewhere. The cool collected commander becoming undone, spilling alcohol along the floor of her illustrious ship. It would dry up and by morning no one would know it was there. 

What would people say if they saw her? Sitting this close to her lieutenant, slightly brushing her arm against his, the way she blinks up at him lets him know she wants him to notice. Intentional, not just an innocent accidental touch of skin. This must feel like deja vu to her. James clenches his eyes shut. That was uncalled for. 

Her head lolling on her shoulder, her hand easily finding it's way across the small of his back, leg slightly lifting enough that it touches his thigh, it all felt like a betrayal. 

Why? He has no obligation to Alenko and Shepard certainly felt like she didn't either. James peeks over her shoulder, no one would be awake at this hour to catch them. They were though, he’s sure that means there’s someone lurking somewhere.

It's fast. Her breast against his arm, her mouth against his neck, just breathing. This is wrong. He feels sick, like he’s taking advantage of her. But, he doesn’t want her to stop. Curious to see how fall she’ll take this. 

"I'm sorry," she says again. 

What she's sorry for he doesn't know. For what she's done? For what she's about to do? Was she saying it to him, or the air, or to some unknown force that he can feel in the room, but is unseen?

She straddles his hips, finding an easy rhythm above him. Places his hands on her hips exactly the way she wants them. Desire fuels him on and he stops thinking, clearing his mind of his guilt. Desperately scrambling to touch every part of her, stares slack jawed as she starts to move faster. Her hands grip his shoulder and he can feel her through her thin shorts. She's hot already. Hot and wet, just for him. 

"I want you to touch me," she whispers. Pushing her hands through his hair, presses her cheek next to his. The same way she did to Alenko. Then she kisses him. A good open mouthed kiss he can't help but sigh into. Her lips, round and perfect. The alcohol tastes bitter, but he doesn’t care. 

Sliding past the thin fabric of her shirt, hands running against the smooth skin of her back. This is so fucked up. She has one hand on his stomach and the other harshly gripping the scruff of his neck, her mouth abusing his flesh as she bucks against him like a bitch in heat. 

_Stop this._ The sane rational part of his brain screams at him. He pushes the thought away when her breast falls into his palms, reminding him of the delicious ripe peaches his abuela used to grow behind the woodshed. Soft, sweet little moans not meant for him, fall from her mouth next to his ear, she breathes, just breathes, and he’s ready to burst. 

She pushing herself against him faster now, keening so loud he’s sure they’re going to be discovered. He doesn’t even fucking care, anyone can come around that corner and it would still be worth it. Placing her forehead against his, there’s a slow drag to her eyes and a heart stopping moment where she just looks at him, then suddenly—

"I'm such a fuck up.” She cries, jumping off of him, like she’s finally realized he’s not the person she wants him to be. "I ruin everything I touch. Oh my god, oh my fucking god." 

“Shepard.” He holds his hand for her but she pulls back just as fast. Like air, or smoke, constantly out of reach.

Her hands are tight around her throat, breathing and heaving like she's dying. Loud and desperate and vulnerable. _The commander has come undone._ The cry that comes from her is loud, pathetic, striking him right in the chest to see her break like this. She crumbles to her knees, using her arms, hugging as much of herself as she can. 

And before Vega can try to touch her again, Alenko appears from around the corner, Vakarian on his heels. He comes to a stop behind Shepard, who is still screaming on the floor. Alenko and Vakarian take in his flush face, tented pants. Alenko rolls his eyes, but continues to stay perpetually calm, never looks out of his element. It makes him incredibly hard to read. He tugs Shepard up by one arm. 

Shepard jumps for him when she realizes who's behind her. "Oh, Kaidan. Where have you been? Please don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone, again." Grips him around the shoulders like a lifeline. Almost as if he'd disappear if she let him go. 

“Shh. I won’t.” Lips touch her forehead, hand resting on her crown, soothing her, and the other draped around her. There’s no surprise or shock on his face. It mustn't be a new occurrence. He’s too good at calming her down, skillfully rocking her back and forth, Alenko sweeps her up into his arms too easily, shushing her pleads for him to stay. 

He gives James one sidelong narrow eyed glance before carrying her off. Vakarian appears before him, blocking his view, James eyes narrow when a talon comes up to his face. "You saw nothing, understand me?"

James nods. "Affirmative." 

Vakarian falls back, judging him, not at all impressed at the view. He hums out a disapproval before disappearing from sight.

Shepard has always looked out for her crew, would kill for them, die for them even. It never occurred to James that they would do the same for her. 

 

**vi.**

He has been summoned. Three days of corner gazes, light footing and awkward elevator rides. He’s been summoned. 

After her drunken breakdown, Shepard acted as if that night was a mere figment of his imagination. Images of her heat sliding against the bulge straining to escape his pants would not let him forget as easily. He'd gone straight to the showers after she had been escorted away, taking himself in hand, fueled on by her soft sighing moans, the strong grip her fingers had on his shoulders. 

Remembering the way her head drops back the minute she reaches the rough, dangerous edge she lets herself fall over. She makes falling look easy, everything is easy for Shepard. She hasn't spoken to him directly despite her dismissive attitude towards the memory of what she did. 

Her dismissal shouldn’t bother him so much and he thinks it doesn’t. Things are better when she pretends he doesn’t exist on the same plane she does. Though when he heard her voice over the comm ordering him to come to her cabin, he is ashamed to admit that he came running.  

The room is empty when he steps in so he takes the time to observe her space. The fabric lining against her walls, the model ships, even the decoration inside of her fish tank are in order. Nothing out of place. They say the room matches the person. It’s her to a T. 

Fresh mug of tea, still steaming, placed next to datapads. James glances over them. 

Requests for more rations. Requests for more armor. Requests for more assistance. Everyone wants something and Shepard is the one to give everything. Her under armour is hung to dry in front of her closet, he runs a finger against the sponge like fabric, imagines it tight on her lithe frame. 

A room well lived in. There is a jacket hung up next to her armor. It’s blue where Shepard usually wears white, the size of it would swallow her. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever known you to be nosy, Vega.” 

James jumps back like he had his hand in a cookie jar when Shepard walks out of her bathroom shaking water from her fingers. Her words take him back to the same conversation he had with Alenko almost two weeks ago. 

_“I don’t think I’ve ever known you to be shy, lieutenant.”_

Shepard and Alenko have the same cadences. The type who finish each other sentences. Cute in a way neither of them will admit. That couple you want to punch in the face because they remind you of all your shortcomings, the perfect relationship you’ll never have because you’re not them. But they weren't a couple. Right?  

"I bet you're wondering why I asked you here." James nods. Shepard starts to advance towards him slowly and he subconsciously moves back into the fishtank. 

"I wanted to talk about the other night." She places a hand on his chest, running it up to curve around his neck. It has the same effect on him as it does on Alenko. James mewls and nudges into her touch. _That's it._ Her smile says. 

"You're going to apologize?" Controlling his breathing is becoming increasingly hard. Her fingers play against creases in his shirt, blinking up through the fan of her lashes in a coquettish way that is disgustingly erotic. 

"Do you want me to?" 

James ponders. She's waiting for him to make a decision. To tell her to move away or come closer. Again, he should fucking go. Learn from his mistakes. James has never been a smart man. 

"No." 

A sharp pull at his neck is all he knows before her lips are against his again, her mouth moving against his, her tongue pushing past his own. He picks her up easily, surprised by how light she is, but not small, never small. She has his shirt off before her back hits the bed. Legs locked around him, pulling her hips up to rub against him. 

"I want you." She sighs out. 

He places her arms above her head, holding her in place with his body a steady weight atop her own. Here she is, everything he’s obsessed over and wanted and fantasized about. Back arching and moaning like he’s the only thing she wants. But something is off. She's more subdued, face tucked away as much as she can manage, eyes glazed over like she's somewhere else entirely. 

_"Me and Shepard?"_

_"We're not together, Kaidan."_

She moans again and he tries to push the images from his mind. Focuses on trying to separate her from her shirt. Latches his mouth onto her neck, there’s a bitterness from the sheen of sweat coating her, followed by the sweetness of her skin.   

_"Why do you always feel the need to remind me of that?"_

_"Oh, Kaidan. Where have you been? Please don’t leave."_

She is writhing and wanting beneath him. But he can't, he _can't_. Why? 

He lifts his head from her and spots the jacket in the corner again, through Shepard's hair brushing his face and knows exactly who it belongs to. _Fuck._ He lets her go and lifts himself to his knees. 

"I can't." 

"What?" Shepard looks confused and upset. 

"I can't because you don't want it." 

"What gave that away? Was it the loud keening moans?" Her eyebrows raise and she looks like she might laugh at him. James frowns, he’s serious and she’s laughing at him.

"You're not here. I mean you're here but you're not _here_ ," he tries to explain, but it just comes out as nonsense. 

Shepard leans on her elbows. “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

James looks at Shepard, it would be so easy to get lost in her. She is more than anyone can want or deserve. Shepard is a woman who liked order. His head roves around the room again. Nothing out of place. For someone so tightly controlled there has to be a reason why she’s willing to unravel so much of herself. 

What the hell can he say? Well, there are a million and one things that appear in his mind, but what comes out is: “You and Alenko a-” 

“Ugh.” Her head hits her pillow with an exaggerated plop, groaning as she digs her palms into her eyes. 

“Permission to speak off the record, ma’am?”      

“Heh. Go right ahead.” They have long abandoned protocol. Somewhere between his hands up her shirt and her tongue down his throat.  

James drops down next to her on the bed, soft white cotton floats around him, feels expensive. No one can fault Shepard for taking luxuries where she can. The woman certainly deserves it. “What is going on between you two? I know it’s none of my business but...”

“You’re right it’s not any of your business.” The sharp bite in her voice keeps him quiet and they sit there drinking in the silence. 

Shepard allows her hands to steep together above her head. Then she speaks. 

“Alenko and I have what you might consider a mutually beneficial arrangement.” She says. “We fuck other people and pretend not to be mad about it,” then quieter, “but I think I’m the only one benefiting.” 

“He doesn’t sleep with anyone else does he?” Because the answer to that question isn’t fucking obvious. 

“No. He doesn’t.”  

“But, you two have no obligation to each other. He told me you two weren’t together.” 

There’s an upturn to the corner of her mouth, “Oh how Kaidan wishes that were true. It’s not that simple.”     

She only refers to him as Kaidan when the two are together. Alone. There no one can attack her for being impartial, putting her emotions ahead of her duty. It came as no surprise she would keep him at arms reach. The Alliance’s Major Alenko. Shepard’s _Kaidan_. 

“What’s so complicated about it?”

“With other people there’s no emotion. I don’t have to _think_ about anything. I don’t give a fuck about any of you. No offense.” He shrugs. _None taken._ “With Kaidan - he’s...well. Hmm. The thing you have to understand about Kaidan is that he’s perfect.”  Shepard leans her head against the headboard, sighing like a teenager talking about her first crush. “Which is exactly why we can’t be together.”

_How does that make any sense?_ “You’re going to have to elaborate on that, ma’am.” 

“Well, we’re terrible for each other." She says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "He likes his coffee black, terrible and disgusting. He questions everything I do, but at the same time follows everything I say. He’s headstrong and stubborn, but he’s always right. He calls me on my bullshit, but at the same time I suspect he secretly likes my bullshit. He-.” 

If there was ever a doubt that Shepard loves Alenko, he can’t see one. Her soft alto takes on a lightness as she speaks of him. James tunes out to watch her, a slight smile, her body slouched to the side like a fluffed pillow. She doesn’t notice his inattentiveness, only continues to rattle on all the reason she shouldn’t love him but does all the same.  

“I must sound crazy to you.” She says, placing her chin on her knees as she hugs them to her chest. 

“No. Not at all.” 

She smiles, a big wide happy grin spreading across her face. This is Alenko’s smile, it must be. Here it is, this one small glimpse of the person she falls over herself with the need to lock away. James has never seen her so bright. 

There’s a twinge of jealousy, but it disappears in an instant. She is not meant for him nor is he for her. That was true before they had even met. No, she had chosen another lieutenant in a small orange corner tucked away beside her office years ago. Old habits die hard, right?

James sits up and throws his legs over the edge of her bed, “I should go.” 

“That’s my line.” Shepard quips. 

Not a particularly witty joke and certainly too overused to be funny. But he laughs, bends over at the waist and laughs, deep from his belly, warm vibrations float through his body. It feels nice, they need more laughter in the face of so much adversity. 

“Nice chat, Commander.” A two fingered salute from him and a curt nod from her end the exchange and he’s walking out the door. 

He chuckles on his way out, shaking his head. What a night. When he looks up, there’s Alenko with a confused blink and his hand poised against the door. His face hardens to scrutinize James, who shrinks back. Alenko coughs into his hand.

“I’ll come back later.” He turns.

“No. It’s all right, we’re done.” James winches. That came out terribly. He expects Alenko to punch him in the face. A mean right hook straight across the chin that he knows won’t come because that’s not who Alenko is. That’s not the person Shepard is in love with. Alenko merely nods.   

“Wait.” James says. Alenko stops trying to push past him, making a hasty escape through Shepard’s door. 

“Yes, lieutenant?” 

“We - we didn’t.” 

Alenko sighs. “I wouldn’t matter to me if you did, Vega.”

“Bullshit.” James is tired of the both of them already, dancing around each other, one calculated step after another. Never pulling to close, can never raise the suspicion of a crew who can read their every movement. Hushed conversations too close to be considered professional. Shepard is not nearly as obvious as Alenko is, but she’s all in. 

_James had seen her take his hand once. For some reason the fact that the only thing between them and a dreadnought was an unstable docking tube unnerved her. Hell, it would terrify anyone. He’d piss his pants. Not Shepard though, she was unshakable._

_James got added to their private channel mistakenly, the start to a nasty habit of dropping in on personal conversations._

_“You don’t have to do this.”_

_“Yes I do.”_

_“Shepard.” Alenko’s voice was exasperated._

_“I’m fucking scared Kaidan. Just...just tell me I’ll be alright and leave it.” Shepard had taken his hand in hers, there was no way she could feel the actual warmth of his fingers when they curled over hers through their armor but relaxation settled through her bones all the same. Tali pretended not to look, well skilled in the art of Shepard and Alenko. James couldn’t assume to understand the complexities of their relationship._

_“You’ll be alright.” Just like that._

_She slipped her hand away from his, strapped on her mag boots and floated away. Alenko’s heart rate didn’t stabilize until the shore party boarded. A hoarse chuckle escaping from Alenko’s comm line as he saw her standing at the console and for some reason James could tell Shepard was smiling too._

“Excuse me.” Alenko narrows his eyes. James knows he’s treading on thin ice when Alenko crosses his arms, clenching his jaw. He might really get hit this time.

“With all due respect, sir. It _does_ matter to you. Because it matters to her.” James says. “I’m not you. And whoever else she takes a liking to, they’re not you either.” 

Alenko unfurls his arms, lets them rest by his side but he stays quiet. James takes it as a sign to continue.

“She loves you, man. And you love her.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is!” 

He lets out a humorless laugh, “Your naivete is refreshing. I can see why Shepard likes you.” 

_Smug asshole._ James decides to ignore the patronizing remark, “It doesn’t make what I said any less true.”  How has Vakarian dealt with them for this long? It’s only been a few weeks and he’s about ready to pull his hair out. “There’s a war happening and if we’re gone tomorrow all you’re going to do is regret what you could have had.”

Lips pulled in to stop from smiling, head down with hands on his hips, balancing himself on his heels, tells James that Alenko feels just as bright as Shepard looked. 

“Go get some rest Vega,” is that last thing he says before entering Shepard’s cabin. 

James is alone with the familiar whir emitting from ship engines. If he strains he can still hear Shepard on the other side.     

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Shepard is pleading, her voice muffled by the large door. 

“Shepard.” Alenko says softly. James can hear the message in his voice. _Shut up, you idiot. Can’t you see? You’re my entire universe and I love you._

“I am. I’m such a f-” 

Shepard voice is replaced by the sound of lips smacking and skin against skin. It doesn’t last longer than a minute, hasty and past due.   

“I know.” 

Of all the good deeds James has done across the galaxy, all the things he’s helped make right, this one is pretty close to the top.  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed it uwu


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